Generation Weenie

How many times has this happened to you? You have a rat, and you’re trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could pluck the rat, remove the rat’s tail, head and bones, and serve the rat as you would any other evening dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco’s amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Rat-o-Matic ‘07. At least that is what NBC’s Fear Factor did, to legendary Dan Aykroyd’s delight and not-so-legendary Austin Aitken’s dismay. Seems Mr. Aitken’s composure was lost when he inadvertently viewed the liquification of live rats on the popular reality show.  Luckily for Aitken, he wasn’t a contestant on the show and therefore did not sign a legal waiver.  In fact, our hero was participating as a couch potato in his living room so, upon the unexpected dizziness caused by his queasy nature resulting in a bump on the noggin from fainting, he naturally retaliated with a 2.5 million dollar weenie-suit.  I’m keeping an eye on this one, readers.  If he is successful in his contention that content on the boob tube can make one ill, you can bet I’ll enter litigation against G.W. for his next State of the Union.

And just when you thought you couldn’t lose another one of your “God given liberties,” like the right to bear arms or own property, the Weenies have made a play to remove our right to watch a drunk fat chick make an ass of herself on top of a bar. Seems Amy Mueller had a mishap at her local watering hole resulting in an inebriated ankle-breaking fall. Rather than attacking Jagermeister for her reduced mental state or Payless Shoe Source for her wobbly 6-inch heels, she decided to sue Sammy’s Bar and Grill for not providing the proper safety device to allow her access to the bar top. Furthermore and more importantly, there was no posted sign reminding her that displaying two pigs wrestling in a potato sack could be hazardous to herself and those around her, or that the view is only better from atop the bar until one falls flat on her Weenie.

Well I’ve already done two things wrong in this post, namely using the word “coke” and the phrase “have a coke and a smile.” You see, normally, Coca Cola would be happy that I’m spouting name recognition from my site, but in this case, it is solely for the purpose of stating that the cola giant has become weenified. In the latest corporate ploy to reduce our rights (or privileges), Coke has attempted to expand their trademark of the brand to enforce censorship of anything containing the coke symbol. In this case, it is a small, low budget movie about Jesus and an ad executive in an Israeli desert. Sorry Jesus, you can turn water into wine, just not into Coca Cola.

I never thought I would be defending K-Fed but I’ll take his side over a bona fide Weenie any day. And just to show that you can’t even make fun of yourself in this Gen W marred society, the distinguished Ex-Spears put out a Superbowl ad of himself as a fast food fryboy day dreaming about being a rap star (apparently inspiration for our youth).  Steve Anderson, National Restaurant Association President wasn’t too happy (about K-Fed pretending to be a fry cook, not pretending to be a rapper) and cried weenie.  He called it “a strong and direct insult to the 12.8 million Americans working in the restaurant industry.”  Luckily they’ll never know they were insulted because they will be at work during the superbowl.  Anyone order pizza?

Can you imagine the horror Renee Koutsouradis felt when she was called over the Delta PA system upon boarding her Dallas flight. Apparently, there was something vibrating in her checked luggage. Lucky for the fear-mongered general public travelers, it was just Mrs. Koutsouradis’ battery-powered dildo, a recent acquisition from a trip to Las Vegas with her husband. It seems that Renee likes to keep her business behind closed doors, however, as she was horrified and humiliated when security requested that she produce the object in question for inspection. And since she never wanted to be humiliated like this again, she decided to sue Delta Airlines which promptly got her name all over the Net and allowed me to issue her a bone-a-fied Weenie Card. Just a reminder this holiday, folks, when traveling under the new Bush-imposed weenie TSA rules, remember to leave your nail clippers at home, bring a 1-quart ziploc bag for your 6-oz toiletries, leave yourself four hours to get through security, and take the batteries out of your vibrating sex toy especially if you happen to be a right-wing, bible-thumping, hypocritical, conservative whose only means of bedroom happiness was made in your own self image.

You just have to admire the positive attitude of the Generation Weenie.  They have the uncanny ability to take life’s shortcomings and see the good that can come from it. Take Mr. Stephen Tame, 29, of Essex, England, for example.  He had a temporary balance problem which caused him to fall down and bump his head.  Then he strayed from his wife for the comfort of a prostitute, a 57-year-old woman, and some porn videos.   Add to this some derogatory remarks around the office and you have the makings of termination and a failed marriage.  But remember, to a Weenie, that glass is half full, my friend and to the tune of nearly $6 million.  At least, that’s what the courts awarded him for the pain and suffering associated with the odd behavior caused by the bump on his head.  Let’s all gather ’round and feel sorry for Stephen who has to live out his 30’s in a “disinhibited” state with a wad of cash and a hunger for porn.

In proof that Generation Weenie membership is open to all ages, races, and backgrounds, Waddah Mustaph had his application approved when he successfully extracted $341,775 from the Culligan man citing legal concerns due to a bottle of water containing a deceased fly. Poor Mustaph, a self-proclaimed neat freak, suffered from constipation and the lack of ability to take lengthy showers afterwards. The incident, “offended their sense of sanctity in the purity of their home, and shattered Mr. Mustapha’s life.” Of course, no one in the family drank from the bottle. It remained unopened, sanctified for all Weenie clansmen to worship in their hour of disparity.

Another of the same, or at least that is what the U.K. Minister of Labour believes. Unfortunately, his comment that the members of a particular town may be inbred didn’t go over well with his constituents. Never mind that this Minister has a PhD in genetics and was referring to the higher rate of diabetes seen in this specific location compared to the fact that very few members leave the town and that many have the same last name.  Hi, this is my brother Daryl and my other brother Daryl.

Poor Scott Blauvelt. He was caught red weenied on a video camera letting it all hang out in his place of business after hours. Fortunately for him and his lawyer, he was in a fender bender last year and had an weeniexcuse. You see, he was traumatized and is now “an American with a disability.” Oh and don’t forget his bipolar disorder along with seizure medication.  That alone  would make near anyone go birthday suiting in front of their office surveillance cameras after hours.  Remember for the dictionaweenie: lack of common sense is defined as a disability.

You know, the nice thing about Generation Weenie membership is that it welcomes all age groups, races, and sexes.  But don’t say sex to James Pacenza, a middle-aged white computer jockey and our latest Gen W inductee.  You see, he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder of wide side effects.  Rather than hiding under desks when he hears a loud noise, James handles difficult situations by logging onto porn websites at work.  IBM didn’t see the therapy in this, however, and relieved the weenie, only to be chagrined when they were sued for 5 million bones for “wrongful dismissal.”  I guess IBM didn’t realize that Mr. Pacenza’s disorder was also an addiction, like alcoholism, a condition for which IBM offers counseling.  And that’s all James wanted, a little nurturing on a couch.