Generation Weenie

And just when you thought you couldn’t lose another one of your “God given liberties,” like the right to bear arms or own property, the Weenies have made a play to remove our right to watch a drunk fat chick make an ass of herself on top of a bar. Seems Amy Mueller had a mishap at her local watering hole resulting in an inebriated ankle-breaking fall. Rather than attacking Jagermeister for her reduced mental state or Payless Shoe Source for her wobbly 6-inch heels, she decided to sue Sammy’s Bar and Grill for not providing the proper safety device to allow her access to the bar top. Furthermore and more importantly, there was no posted sign reminding her that displaying two pigs wrestling in a potato sack could be hazardous to herself and those around her, or that the view is only better from atop the bar until one falls flat on her Weenie.

You just have to admire the positive attitude of the Generation Weenie.  They have the uncanny ability to take life’s shortcomings and see the good that can come from it. Take Mr. Stephen Tame, 29, of Essex, England, for example.  He had a temporary balance problem which caused him to fall down and bump his head.  Then he strayed from his wife for the comfort of a prostitute, a 57-year-old woman, and some porn videos.   Add to this some derogatory remarks around the office and you have the makings of termination and a failed marriage.  But remember, to a Weenie, that glass is half full, my friend and to the tune of nearly $6 million.  At least, that’s what the courts awarded him for the pain and suffering associated with the odd behavior caused by the bump on his head.  Let’s all gather ’round and feel sorry for Stephen who has to live out his 30’s in a “disinhibited” state with a wad of cash and a hunger for porn.

You know, the nice thing about Generation Weenie membership is that it welcomes all age groups, races, and sexes.  But don’t say sex to James Pacenza, a middle-aged white computer jockey and our latest Gen W inductee.  You see, he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder of wide side effects.  Rather than hiding under desks when he hears a loud noise, James handles difficult situations by logging onto porn websites at work.  IBM didn’t see the therapy in this, however, and relieved the weenie, only to be chagrined when they were sued for 5 million bones for “wrongful dismissal.”  I guess IBM didn’t realize that Mr. Pacenza’s disorder was also an addiction, like alcoholism, a condition for which IBM offers counseling.  And that’s all James wanted, a little nurturing on a couch.

Ken Rigberg has a sweet gig. He gets to beat his weenie into a cup for $6500 a year. Well, he used to, that is, until he was traumatized by finding a video camera in the deposit room at a sperm bank. Sure Mr. Rigberg was right when he insisted the camera be removed and even when he alerted police. But of course, neither of those would get him Generation Weenie stature. So he filed a lawsuit citing (and let’s introduce a whole bunch of new Weenie words here) emotional distress, fear, shame, humiliation, chagrin, sleeplessness, powerlessness, frustration, anger, annoyance, inconvenience, and discomfort.” This, according to the general allegations. What wasn’t in the lawsuit papers, however, was the dollar amount. Stay tuned to see what is worth more, Rigberg’s seed or a video of it.

If you’re traveling to Newport, Isle of Wrong this weekend, don’t plan on bringing your pet clown.  They’re afraid of him.  It’s called Coulrophobia and it causes panic attacks, shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea and overall feelings of dread along with complete and udder weeniehoodness membership.  This year’s festival theme was to be Circus Clowns until some festival goers complained that they suffered from our new Coulrophobia and, essentially, shut the theme down.  I suffer from Weeniephobia.  Do you think I can have Newport tossed into the sea?