Generation Weenie

How many times has this happened to you? You have a rat, and you’re trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could pluck the rat, remove the rat’s tail, head and bones, and serve the rat as you would any other evening dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco’s amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Rat-o-Matic ‘07. At least that is what NBC’s Fear Factor did, to legendary Dan Aykroyd’s delight and not-so-legendary Austin Aitken’s dismay. Seems Mr. Aitken’s composure was lost when he inadvertently viewed the liquification of live rats on the popular reality show.  Luckily for Aitken, he wasn’t a contestant on the show and therefore did not sign a legal waiver.  In fact, our hero was participating as a couch potato in his living room so, upon the unexpected dizziness caused by his queasy nature resulting in a bump on the noggin from fainting, he naturally retaliated with a 2.5 million dollar weenie-suit.  I’m keeping an eye on this one, readers.  If he is successful in his contention that content on the boob tube can make one ill, you can bet I’ll enter litigation against G.W. for his next State of the Union.

Can you imagine the horror Renee Koutsouradis felt when she was called over the Delta PA system upon boarding her Dallas flight. Apparently, there was something vibrating in her checked luggage. Lucky for the fear-mongered general public travelers, it was just Mrs. Koutsouradis’ battery-powered dildo, a recent acquisition from a trip to Las Vegas with her husband. It seems that Renee likes to keep her business behind closed doors, however, as she was horrified and humiliated when security requested that she produce the object in question for inspection. And since she never wanted to be humiliated like this again, she decided to sue Delta Airlines which promptly got her name all over the Net and allowed me to issue her a bone-a-fied Weenie Card. Just a reminder this holiday, folks, when traveling under the new Bush-imposed weenie TSA rules, remember to leave your nail clippers at home, bring a 1-quart ziploc bag for your 6-oz toiletries, leave yourself four hours to get through security, and take the batteries out of your vibrating sex toy especially if you happen to be a right-wing, bible-thumping, hypocritical, conservative whose only means of bedroom happiness was made in your own self image.

You just have to admire the positive attitude of the Generation Weenie.  They have the uncanny ability to take life’s shortcomings and see the good that can come from it. Take Mr. Stephen Tame, 29, of Essex, England, for example.  He had a temporary balance problem which caused him to fall down and bump his head.  Then he strayed from his wife for the comfort of a prostitute, a 57-year-old woman, and some porn videos.   Add to this some derogatory remarks around the office and you have the makings of termination and a failed marriage.  But remember, to a Weenie, that glass is half full, my friend and to the tune of nearly $6 million.  At least, that’s what the courts awarded him for the pain and suffering associated with the odd behavior caused by the bump on his head.  Let’s all gather ’round and feel sorry for Stephen who has to live out his 30’s in a “disinhibited” state with a wad of cash and a hunger for porn.

In proof that Generation Weenie membership is open to all ages, races, and backgrounds, Waddah Mustaph had his application approved when he successfully extracted $341,775 from the Culligan man citing legal concerns due to a bottle of water containing a deceased fly. Poor Mustaph, a self-proclaimed neat freak, suffered from constipation and the lack of ability to take lengthy showers afterwards. The incident, “offended their sense of sanctity in the purity of their home, and shattered Mr. Mustapha’s life.” Of course, no one in the family drank from the bottle. It remained unopened, sanctified for all Weenie clansmen to worship in their hour of disparity.

Little Timmy can’t play Tag at school anymore, at least not in Attleboro, Mass. He can’t play flag football or dodgeball either. Why? He might get a boo boo prompting a series of weeniesuits which the school wishes to avoid. But that’s not the reason that the school administrators voted for this ban. It was because dodgeball is exclusionary and dangerous. Celeste D’Elia doesn’t mind. She says her son feels safer without all of the shenanigans going on around him. Of course, it’s not a safe as the D’Elia household, where all weenie offspring sit in a corner wrapped in bubble wrap sucking their antiseptic-wiped thumbs.

In an addendum to the previous post “Is your wiener dog emotionally supportive,” we now find Mark Delcore, a former body builder competitor for the Gay Games, suing the federal government for the right to have his rat terrier accompany him to a nude bathing establishment.  Mr. Delcore’s induction into the Generation Weenie club came on September 11th, when he was pumping iron in a gym near the World Trade Center.  During the terror attack, Delcore evacuated his gym but didn’t have time to dry his rock hard muscular body which was “dusted” with an unknown substance that resulted in a rare (in fact, unknown) skin condition requiring him to be in the sun, regularly and completely (a.k.a. nude).  Upon being denied access to the beach with his faithful service pooch, Cheekies, Delcore, who is on disability because of his condition threw out the post-traumatic stress disorder card (along with a GI track problem and a broken foot) and said that his disability insurance wouldn’t cover for him to move to Florida for more than 6 months a year.  And of course he added a clause in the lawsuit to require mandatory “Sensitivity Training” for the cop who tossed the queen.  Think I’m done?  It only gets better.  Poor Cheekies used to be a regular light in the loafer luxury on the beach…until some conservative “conservationists” got the anti-dog law enacted to protect the breeding rituals of the native Piping Plover bird, the result of which, ironically, endangers the breeding rituals of the troubled gay male.

In keeping with the Ameriweenie dream, illegal Peruvian immigrant Claudia Muro has decided to sue Tyco, the makers of video surveillance equipment.  You may remember Claudia Muro as the nanny who was video taped violently shaking a baby in her care.  She spent two years incarcerated awaiting trial while the weenie lawyers and experts attempted to determine if a time-lapse video tape accurately portrays shaking movements.  First, as a former video engineer I can confirm that at 15 frames per second (which was the record speed for that episode), it certainly does.  Second, the fact that it took the experts two years of squabbling to return an undecided verdict attests to the slow weenie creep prevalent in our courts today.  And third, the fact that the accused can now sue, not the prosecutor or the arresting police department or even the parents of the child, but the maker of the recording equipment is complete proof that we have fallen off our collective rocker and fully into a pile of steaming weenie poo poo.  Expect your next digital camera to come with a warning label requesting you don’t take photos of anything sensitive.

I’m supposed to be partial here so I’m going to reiterate that the RIAA is made up of a bunch of Schmos.  These jackasses have a corner on a market and instead of trying to adapt to change like all other capitalist functions, they try to legislate their way into remaining wealthly.  Sounds like the republican party, if you ask me.  Regardless, their latest ploy is to send cease and desist letters to Youtube.com because of a homemade video of a 16-year-old girl dancing to yet another crappy RIAA cookie-cutter, bubblegum pop weenie tune.  Apparently, the RIAA feels that broadcasting this terrible rendendition of the song is in violation of their radio broadcast contracts.

I just love when Sociologists give me new material.  The latest is a phenomenon happening with the Millennial Generation (the children of the founding members of Generation Weenie) as they enter what should be their transition years to adulthood but, via parental pestering end up being indoctrinated into full blown weeniedom.  For reference, take a look at the problems the University of Florida school system has been having with over-protective parents (deemed Helicopter Parents in this article).  Seems the when little Johnny gets a bad grade, Mommy calls the professor to complain (which makes sense as it was likely mommy who wrote the paper in between brushing Johnny’s hair and wiping his ass).  The schools have been inundated with so many phone calls that they have modified a portion of their orientation (which didn’t use to include parents at all) to include words on how to let your children make their own decisions.

A few more words here on the definition of the Millennial Generation.  These were the kids who had the “baby-on board” signs on their minivan.  They all suffered from allergies and asthma regardless of their health which was jeopardized by the fact that they were not allowed to play outside without anti-bacterial gel, which turns out to have deformed the development of their immune system thereby causing the allergies and asthma.  These kids wore helmets on their tricycles which, in retrospect was probably a good idea as they were all doped up on ADD/ADHD medications.

Leave it to the Pharmaceutical companies, with the help of paid Psychiatrist monkeys, to come up with a new and improved disorder that we can all be a part of.  Intermittent Explosive Disorder explains those times you’ve knocked over a chair after stubbing your toe on it.  Don’t worry, honey, it wasn’t really your immaturity.  You have a serious chemical imbalance that must be treated with medications and therapy.  Flip someone off in traffic?  It’s not road rage, it’s IED.  Kicked the cat?  Well, the cat probably deserved it.  Kick it again for me, will you?

I’m going to defer to our own Houston Chronicle for the article, specifically because it describes the method of determining the prevalence of this disorder in our population.  It was a survey.   “So Ms. Weenie, when you threw that vase through the stained glass window, were you just being an immature child or were you suffering from a temporary case of IED?”

The article also cites that most people will have 43 episodes in their lifetime resulting in exactly $1359 in damage.  So sign up for your W Card today and pick up your antidepressants at the door.