Generation Weenie

And just when you thought you couldn’t lose another one of your “God given liberties,” like the right to bear arms or own property, the Weenies have made a play to remove our right to watch a drunk fat chick make an ass of herself on top of a bar. Seems Amy Mueller had a mishap at her local watering hole resulting in an inebriated ankle-breaking fall. Rather than attacking Jagermeister for her reduced mental state or Payless Shoe Source for her wobbly 6-inch heels, she decided to sue Sammy’s Bar and Grill for not providing the proper safety device to allow her access to the bar top. Furthermore and more importantly, there was no posted sign reminding her that displaying two pigs wrestling in a potato sack could be hazardous to herself and those around her, or that the view is only better from atop the bar until one falls flat on her Weenie.

Well I’ve already done two things wrong in this post, namely using the word “coke” and the phrase “have a coke and a smile.” You see, normally, Coca Cola would be happy that I’m spouting name recognition from my site, but in this case, it is solely for the purpose of stating that the cola giant has become weenified. In the latest corporate ploy to reduce our rights (or privileges), Coke has attempted to expand their trademark of the brand to enforce censorship of anything containing the coke symbol. In this case, it is a small, low budget movie about Jesus and an ad executive in an Israeli desert. Sorry Jesus, you can turn water into wine, just not into Coca Cola.

I never thought I would be defending K-Fed but I’ll take his side over a bona fide Weenie any day. And just to show that you can’t even make fun of yourself in this Gen W marred society, the distinguished Ex-Spears put out a Superbowl ad of himself as a fast food fryboy day dreaming about being a rap star (apparently inspiration for our youth).  Steve Anderson, National Restaurant Association President wasn’t too happy (about K-Fed pretending to be a fry cook, not pretending to be a rapper) and cried weenie.  He called it “a strong and direct insult to the 12.8 million Americans working in the restaurant industry.”  Luckily they’ll never know they were insulted because they will be at work during the superbowl.  Anyone order pizza?

Poor Scott Blauvelt. He was caught red weenied on a video camera letting it all hang out in his place of business after hours. Fortunately for him and his lawyer, he was in a fender bender last year and had an weeniexcuse. You see, he was traumatized and is now “an American with a disability.” Oh and don’t forget his bipolar disorder along with seizure medication.  That alone  would make near anyone go birthday suiting in front of their office surveillance cameras after hours.  Remember for the dictionaweenie: lack of common sense is defined as a disability.

You know, the nice thing about Generation Weenie membership is that it welcomes all age groups, races, and sexes.  But don’t say sex to James Pacenza, a middle-aged white computer jockey and our latest Gen W inductee.  You see, he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a disorder of wide side effects.  Rather than hiding under desks when he hears a loud noise, James handles difficult situations by logging onto porn websites at work.  IBM didn’t see the therapy in this, however, and relieved the weenie, only to be chagrined when they were sued for 5 million bones for “wrongful dismissal.”  I guess IBM didn’t realize that Mr. Pacenza’s disorder was also an addiction, like alcoholism, a condition for which IBM offers counseling.  And that’s all James wanted, a little nurturing on a couch.

Ken Rigberg has a sweet gig. He gets to beat his weenie into a cup for $6500 a year. Well, he used to, that is, until he was traumatized by finding a video camera in the deposit room at a sperm bank. Sure Mr. Rigberg was right when he insisted the camera be removed and even when he alerted police. But of course, neither of those would get him Generation Weenie stature. So he filed a lawsuit citing (and let’s introduce a whole bunch of new Weenie words here) emotional distress, fear, shame, humiliation, chagrin, sleeplessness, powerlessness, frustration, anger, annoyance, inconvenience, and discomfort.” This, according to the general allegations. What wasn’t in the lawsuit papers, however, was the dollar amount. Stay tuned to see what is worth more, Rigberg’s seed or a video of it.

If you’re traveling to Newport, Isle of Wrong this weekend, don’t plan on bringing your pet clown.  They’re afraid of him.  It’s called Coulrophobia and it causes panic attacks, shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea and overall feelings of dread along with complete and udder weeniehoodness membership.  This year’s festival theme was to be Circus Clowns until some festival goers complained that they suffered from our new Coulrophobia and, essentially, shut the theme down.  I suffer from Weeniephobia.  Do you think I can have Newport tossed into the sea?

Yet another naive 14-year-old was lured astray by an older man.  Of course, this time, the older man was only 19, though he lied about being on the football team.  Girl snuck out and got herself sexually assaulted.  Did the parents fall sobbing to the ground at the realization of their utter lack of parenting skills?  No, they decided to sue Myspace.com for 30 million dollars because the 19-year-old lied on his profile.

If you ask me, the entire travel industry applied for Gen W membership.  And in their latest move, they have shown that they are worldwide and no one is safe from their weenieness, including a six-year-old girl and her candy-filled Bugs Bunny bright pink plastic pistol.  You can never be too careful.  The six-year-old might shoot a sweet tart in your eye and take control of the plane.  Better to detain the girl and her mom and ship the candy in a special locked container.  Oh, nevermind that the “device” was purchased at the airport gift shop.

Jim Whitehouse really knows how live the good life.  As a trader for RBC Dominion Securities, he earned around $425,000 a year for shuffling purchase and sell orders from rich clients.  In other words, he was just another useless broker.  And since brokers are so easily replaced, Jim was completely appalled that his firm decided to fire him for doing a $200 whore in his office after hours.  To make matters worse, Jimbo allegedly didn’t pay for the trick and we all know a brokerage firm won’t stand for stiffing the commission.  So they tossed old Whitehouse out on the street.  But our Weenie story doesn’t end there for, naturally, our hero sued the brokerage firm for wrongful dismissal.  And the brokerage firm countersued for defamation of reputation.  It’s a weenie-off.