Generation Weenie

Anne Majerik is looking for her soulmate, so long as he earned more than $1 million per year and had estates of $20 million.  To find this lucky individual, she enlisted the help of an L.A. matchmaker.  Of course, when she ended up unlucky in love, what else for a weenie to do but sue the matchmaker…for $2.1 million.  Oh, and win, of course.  Don’t forget we live in a weenie sympathetic society.

I’ve been single for 4 years.  E-harmony.com is going to be hearing from my lawyer.

You won’t believe this, but kids in Minneapolis are looking at pornography.  And according to shocked moms around the city, they are able to pull the porn “out of thin air” on their video game machines.  Enter David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family who quotes, “I talk to parents everyday who are discovering that some of their teenagers are not just curious about messing around with porn, but are deeply into pornography.”  Deeply.  So next time little Jimmy gets a double dog dare at school, expect a few additional hits for Larry Flynt and a weeniesuit against Sony to follow.

Justice! One of the Gen Weenie’s favorite misused words. Let’s take a look at Dade City, Florida where a drunken Mr. Anthony Makowski lept from his pickup trunk and attacked Martin Robles-Taylor who defended himself by choking Makowski to death. So what does our newest inductee into Gen W, Makowski’s mother, do? She sues McDonalds, who leases the parking lot where the fight happened, for not providing a security guard to stop idiots like Anthony Makowski from getting their asses kicked.

Ah the age-old question. What is the official time period before a recovering victim is deemed recovered or weenified? In Houston, it appears to be nine months. A lawsuit filed today in a Houston court demands retribution for “tens of thousands of the most vulnerable Americans — among them the elderly, the disabled, children and the poor — are faced with the real threat, through no fault of their own, of becoming homeless.” Of course, they may have become homeless through no fault of their own but remaining homeless may hit a little closer to home (pun). Considering the elderly have social security and the disabled have monetary programs for housing, I’m guessing it is mostly the poor who are bringing this lawsuit.

A few years ago, the Department of Transportation ruled that animals used to aid people with emotional ailments like depression or anxiety should be given the same access and privileges as animals helping people with physical disabilities like blindness or deafness. And you can guess what happened. All the whiny weenies came out of the woodwork demanding that Fifi, the 15-year-old blind miniature poodle with manicured nails and a pink bow be allowed access to Chilli’s restaurant, Wal Mart, the plastic surgery office, and on flights to Vegas, all in the name of emotional support of course. But Cynthia Dodge, founder of Tutor Dogs in Greenfield, Mass thinks it is “a total insult to the disabled community. They are ruining it for people who need it.” So let the battle of the offense ensue, but choose your side wisely. A 30-year-old resident of Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y. who suffers from abandonment issues threatens, “I can fine people or have them put in jail if they don’t let me in a restaurant with my dogs, because they are violating my rights.” And we wouldn’t want to inhibit Fifi’s right to piss on the floor and yelp at the black people.

Ah the publicans are at it again, protecting our children.  When backed into a corner, it is their old standby.  “Save the children, family values.”  Michael Weenie Fitzpatrick, R-Pa has introduced a bill called “The Deleting Online Predators Act.”  According to the bill, it [”prohibits access to commercial social networking Web sites or chat rooms through which minors” can access obscene or indecent material, be subject to unlawful sexual advances or repeated offensive comments of a sexual nature from adults, or access harmful information], which includes pretty much every website that allows anonymous posts, including Generationweenie.com.

Says Weenie Fitzpatrick, “many parents lack the resources to protect their children from online predators.”  If that’s really case, I suggest he introduces a bill that stops said people for propagating.  Compulsory birth control?  Might be the next step for the conservative movement.  I bet the catholics would approve of birth control if it was required for non-christians.

Would you pay $2.49 to be offended?  Eight people did in two months on Cingular’s website when they downloaded a ring tone poking fun at immigration reform.  But in today’s Weenie atmosphere, poking fun is a thing of the past.  Hispanic activists immediately deemed the ringtone racist and Cingular pulled it from their website.

I decided to take a closer look at the support our troop magnets all the weenies put on their vehicles during the early days of the Iraq debacle. This morning I pried one off of a Chevy (of course) and found that there was a fade mark where dust that had gotten under the magnet had rubbed a ribbon shape into the paint.  And like a weenie bolt from the sky it dawned on me. This car has been forever marked as a weeniemobile and should be handed down as such. So I’m sending a proposal to Autotrader.com to add a new query to its searchable list.  Perhaps they’ll call it “previous support our troops ribbon owner” or “patriot displayer” or “American to the frame.”  Of course, we’ll know it as the weeniequery.  Don’t laugh, the inventor of freedom fries will likely think this is a grand idea.

Voila, the weeniemobile is recycled.

Phillip Morris is in a tuss with Bobble Head World who recently put to market a baby doll with a cigarette in its mouth. Unfortunately, the pack of unscented incense that is included bears a resemblance to a pack of Marlboro Reds. Reading the copyright infringement letter, you will quickly learn that Phillip Morris has no problem with a newborn with a fag it its mouth so long as it isn’t a Marlboro cancer stick. Oh and here is a nice touch. Phillip Morris was incensed about the incense. So I think I’ll make incense (to cause to be extremely angry; infuriate) a new Weenie Word.

Remember our friend the DEA agent who shot himself in the foot during a firearm safety class at a local school? You may have seen the video on google video. Well guess what? He went and got himself weenified. Apparently, and this may shock you, the circulation of the video on the Internet has precluded him from going undercover and from demonstrating firearm safety to children. This has significantly reduced his effectiveness as a DEA agent so he has decided to sue the Federal Government because he has become the “target of jokes, derision, ridicule, and disparaging comments….” I had to look derision up and it is officially my new Weenie Word of the day.