Generation Weenie

In keeping with the Ameriweenie dream, illegal Peruvian immigrant Claudia Muro has decided to sue Tyco, the makers of video surveillance equipment.  You may remember Claudia Muro as the nanny who was video taped violently shaking a baby in her care.  She spent two years incarcerated awaiting trial while the weenie lawyers and experts attempted to determine if a time-lapse video tape accurately portrays shaking movements.  First, as a former video engineer I can confirm that at 15 frames per second (which was the record speed for that episode), it certainly does.  Second, the fact that it took the experts two years of squabbling to return an undecided verdict attests to the slow weenie creep prevalent in our courts today.  And third, the fact that the accused can now sue, not the prosecutor or the arresting police department or even the parents of the child, but the maker of the recording equipment is complete proof that we have fallen off our collective rocker and fully into a pile of steaming weenie poo poo.  Expect your next digital camera to come with a warning label requesting you don’t take photos of anything sensitive.

I’m supposed to be partial here so I’m going to reiterate that the RIAA is made up of a bunch of Schmos.  These jackasses have a corner on a market and instead of trying to adapt to change like all other capitalist functions, they try to legislate their way into remaining wealthly.  Sounds like the republican party, if you ask me.  Regardless, their latest ploy is to send cease and desist letters to Youtube.com because of a homemade video of a 16-year-old girl dancing to yet another crappy RIAA cookie-cutter, bubblegum pop weenie tune.  Apparently, the RIAA feels that broadcasting this terrible rendendition of the song is in violation of their radio broadcast contracts.

Yet another naive 14-year-old was lured astray by an older man.  Of course, this time, the older man was only 19, though he lied about being on the football team.  Girl snuck out and got herself sexually assaulted.  Did the parents fall sobbing to the ground at the realization of their utter lack of parenting skills?  No, they decided to sue Myspace.com for 30 million dollars because the 19-year-old lied on his profile.

Please take a moment to enjoy this letter by Azeezaly S. Jaffer, the Public Affairs officer for the U.S. Postal Service. Apparently, he finds the term “going postal” both offensive and distasteful. He suggests the meaning of that phrase be changed to recognize the hard work the 70,000 postal employees perform every day.

I just love when Sociologists give me new material.  The latest is a phenomenon happening with the Millennial Generation (the children of the founding members of Generation Weenie) as they enter what should be their transition years to adulthood but, via parental pestering end up being indoctrinated into full blown weeniedom.  For reference, take a look at the problems the University of Florida school system has been having with over-protective parents (deemed Helicopter Parents in this article).  Seems the when little Johnny gets a bad grade, Mommy calls the professor to complain (which makes sense as it was likely mommy who wrote the paper in between brushing Johnny’s hair and wiping his ass).  The schools have been inundated with so many phone calls that they have modified a portion of their orientation (which didn’t use to include parents at all) to include words on how to let your children make their own decisions.

A few more words here on the definition of the Millennial Generation.  These were the kids who had the “baby-on board” signs on their minivan.  They all suffered from allergies and asthma regardless of their health which was jeopardized by the fact that they were not allowed to play outside without anti-bacterial gel, which turns out to have deformed the development of their immune system thereby causing the allergies and asthma.  These kids wore helmets on their tricycles which, in retrospect was probably a good idea as they were all doped up on ADD/ADHD medications.

If you ask me, the entire travel industry applied for Gen W membership.  And in their latest move, they have shown that they are worldwide and no one is safe from their weenieness, including a six-year-old girl and her candy-filled Bugs Bunny bright pink plastic pistol.  You can never be too careful.  The six-year-old might shoot a sweet tart in your eye and take control of the plane.  Better to detain the girl and her mom and ship the candy in a special locked container.  Oh, nevermind that the “device” was purchased at the airport gift shop.

Leave it to the Pharmaceutical companies, with the help of paid Psychiatrist monkeys, to come up with a new and improved disorder that we can all be a part of.  Intermittent Explosive Disorder explains those times you’ve knocked over a chair after stubbing your toe on it.  Don’t worry, honey, it wasn’t really your immaturity.  You have a serious chemical imbalance that must be treated with medications and therapy.  Flip someone off in traffic?  It’s not road rage, it’s IED.  Kicked the cat?  Well, the cat probably deserved it.  Kick it again for me, will you?

I’m going to defer to our own Houston Chronicle for the article, specifically because it describes the method of determining the prevalence of this disorder in our population.  It was a survey.   “So Ms. Weenie, when you threw that vase through the stained glass window, were you just being an immature child or were you suffering from a temporary case of IED?”

The article also cites that most people will have 43 episodes in their lifetime resulting in exactly $1359 in damage.  So sign up for your W Card today and pick up your antidepressants at the door.

Jim Whitehouse really knows how live the good life.  As a trader for RBC Dominion Securities, he earned around $425,000 a year for shuffling purchase and sell orders from rich clients.  In other words, he was just another useless broker.  And since brokers are so easily replaced, Jim was completely appalled that his firm decided to fire him for doing a $200 whore in his office after hours.  To make matters worse, Jimbo allegedly didn’t pay for the trick and we all know a brokerage firm won’t stand for stiffing the commission.  So they tossed old Whitehouse out on the street.  But our Weenie story doesn’t end there for, naturally, our hero sued the brokerage firm for wrongful dismissal.  And the brokerage firm countersued for defamation of reputation.  It’s a weenie-off.