Generation Weenie

Can you imagine the horror Renee Koutsouradis felt when she was called over the Delta PA system upon boarding her Dallas flight. Apparently, there was something vibrating in her checked luggage. Lucky for the fear-mongered general public travelers, it was just Mrs. Koutsouradis’ battery-powered dildo, a recent acquisition from a trip to Las Vegas with her husband. It seems that Renee likes to keep her business behind closed doors, however, as she was horrified and humiliated when security requested that she produce the object in question for inspection. And since she never wanted to be humiliated like this again, she decided to sue Delta Airlines which promptly got her name all over the Net and allowed me to issue her a bone-a-fied Weenie Card. Just a reminder this holiday, folks, when traveling under the new Bush-imposed weenie TSA rules, remember to leave your nail clippers at home, bring a 1-quart ziploc bag for your 6-oz toiletries, leave yourself four hours to get through security, and take the batteries out of your vibrating sex toy especially if you happen to be a right-wing, bible-thumping, hypocritical, conservative whose only means of bedroom happiness was made in your own self image.

You just have to admire the positive attitude of the Generation Weenie.  They have the uncanny ability to take life’s shortcomings and see the good that can come from it. Take Mr. Stephen Tame, 29, of Essex, England, for example.  He had a temporary balance problem which caused him to fall down and bump his head.  Then he strayed from his wife for the comfort of a prostitute, a 57-year-old woman, and some porn videos.   Add to this some derogatory remarks around the office and you have the makings of termination and a failed marriage.  But remember, to a Weenie, that glass is half full, my friend and to the tune of nearly $6 million.  At least, that’s what the courts awarded him for the pain and suffering associated with the odd behavior caused by the bump on his head.  Let’s all gather ’round and feel sorry for Stephen who has to live out his 30’s in a “disinhibited” state with a wad of cash and a hunger for porn.

In proof that Generation Weenie membership is open to all ages, races, and backgrounds, Waddah Mustaph had his application approved when he successfully extracted $341,775 from the Culligan man citing legal concerns due to a bottle of water containing a deceased fly. Poor Mustaph, a self-proclaimed neat freak, suffered from constipation and the lack of ability to take lengthy showers afterwards. The incident, “offended their sense of sanctity in the purity of their home, and shattered Mr. Mustapha’s life.” Of course, no one in the family drank from the bottle. It remained unopened, sanctified for all Weenie clansmen to worship in their hour of disparity.